I'm back! And a quick google search reveals I did not come up with the term party lag in my last blog. Well fuckitty fuck fuck fuck McFuck! Whatever man. So where was I? Oh yeah, I finally got inside.
[Who's THAT idiot?]
I was not prepared for this. I've never been to such a club. Not even that situation! But after that night, I can't get enough. It was great! I had so much fun! Now the regular club scene looks unbelievably dull by comparison. I've been spoiled rotten. So let me tell you about this thing.
First thing I usually do is drink. I like to let loose the inhibitions first. I down that shot with the QUICKNESS. Actually since I was alone I wasn't going to drink that much. What do you mean "Awwww?" You all were given plenty of notice! It's YOUR fault I went alone! Who's playing that violin? I only drank a total of two times actually. First was a Corona and second was a Long Island Iced Tea. I was served by the attractive, friendly, but mostly attractive, Jo. I hope I tipped you well because I'm working on a new system. Two dollars for beers and three dollars for mixed drinks. I hope that's fair. Should I be paying more? I'm really trying to kill that stereotype that black people don't tip well. I overcompensate sometimes when I tip. Let's move on.
So let's see, on the flyer it says there was going to be live sex shows. Well, there are laws about what you can and can't get away with in a club so I took this with a margarita. *drum-kick* I saw things. Brutal things. I saw penis torture. Penis and ball torture. It really wasn't my cup of tea. It was pretty terrible, actually. But it drew a crowed! And speaking of stereotypes, the guys being tortured were big fat and hairy! I know what you're thinking, like Eurotrip! And pretty much any other film like it. I don't think they had German accents, though. With those zippered masks on it's hard to tell what they were saying.
[Her years of practice at the state county fair has finally paid off!]
Let's see, what else? Lot's (is that...do I need the apostrophe there? God I suck at grammar.) of people being led around by chains and collars. Most of them walking on all fours as their masters drank at the bar. There was some type of vignette with an evil female scientist spanking people. At least i think that's what it was. I didn't watch much of that. Then there was my favorite sex show.
[The only reason I don't have one of these is because they don't yet make one that folds up for storage under your bed!]
Again, these are more like vignettes. It was these two smoking hot asian chicks doing stuff to each other. And while all I hot to see what a nipple here and there, it was still totally alsome. (That's how us cool kids say it.) No really, I stood there and watched some of the hottest made for Cinemax erotica for a good forty minutes. And I was wearing the mask. It was big tease yet entertaining. I don't know, I rather watch that than go to a strip club. Actually I went to a strip club once with my friends from work (The Answer Group) and it totally sucked. That's a story for another day. But I did say they did stuff to each other. Mostly kissing and groping and licking. Their act needs a lot more kissing and licking, though. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.
[This is the only picture I can share on my blog without fear of getting my account deleted!]
Haha! I just remembered how all the guys whipped out their...cameras when this spanking frenzy started. I'm sure the barer (GET IT!? BARE! HAHAHAHA!) of this 'donk was happy about that.
Oh, and I just remembered there was a dude walking around with an inflatable penis. And it had a strobe lite under. I understand the inflatable penis, but the strobe light? I should have asked, right? Oh well, next year.
[Dearest Tom: Please do not delete my account. Those are not her erie day-glow nipples. That is latex. ...Covering her erie day-glow nipples. So no real nudity here, see?]
Ah yes, I watched them dance around for a bit. And then later on I dance with the one in the back there. No really. See, the thing is, everybody was really friendly. Really really friendly. No one was unapproachable. I showed my boss these pictures and he asked if I grabbed her boobs. I laughed uncomfortably and said "No." Frnakly, I don't know what the protocol for that sort of thing is. Not yet. Actually the thought didn't enter into my head. I had a really good time without performing mammograms on random womens. And there was a lot of topless folk there. The way I see it, there's a certain trust involved. I don't see it as an invite. How we going to go from dancing to third base in such a short span of time? That isn't like me. Would you touch them if they were clothed?
I just don't yet know the rules of engagement and FOR NOW, I'm perfectly happy respecting the borders. Feel free to call me fag/gay over this. Whatever man!
I have to say, though, the women here are VERY proud of their bodies. The men too, but I don't think guys have as much a self esteem issue as women do. In this club I saw beauty of all shapes and sizes, and it was mostly because I could FEEL that confidence. They owned it, man. a lot of them just came in some type of bottom and boots. And maybe some body paint. This goes both ways. Dogs can smell fear, people can smell confidence. I know it was dark and all but I don't think I saw too many breast implants that night. I did see a lot of body modification. Fangs, brands, tatoos and random other shit I don't even know what to call. I went into sensory overload.
I just hope they didn't have to wait long outside because it was mighty cold!
There was a costume contest. Edward Scissorhands won. It was no contest, the crowed cheered for him the longest. I cheered for everyone. You should have seen them in person. Oh wait, NONE OF YOU REPLIED TO MY BULLITENS! Check out that Medusa.
[Edward gives a good tape up for a white guy! Oh shut up.]
I got my picture taken several times but I wonder if I'll ever see them. I've constantly been checking the website. In fact I intentionally didn't bring my camera. First because it's fucking huge. And second when I called again they said there would be professional photographers. Even withought I probably still would have left my bulky camera behind. These were all taken with my camera phone. I must say they came out better than I expected. I didn't take many pictures because of the photographers. I'm sure there's a shot of me on the speaker in someone's roll of 35mm somewhere. They were also shooting a video so most likely I'll be buying that to see myself. You hear that Leyla? There's footage of me dancing! (Long story. Don't ask.)
Dancing was great. The dance floor got very corwded very quick. ever since I was young I loved being in cramped places. When we were moving I would hide between all the boxes and just laugh contently. I love being around other people. And I couldn't be happier. All the sites and colors and good vibes, it was energizing.
Oh, forgot to mention they gave away Halloween candies! At the bar in plastic pumpkin heads! I had myself a few gummy things. I could tell what they were shaped like in the dar
OH MY GOD THE RINGING JUST STOPPED! I CAN HEAR CLEARLY ONCE MORE! Sorry. It's just that every time that happens I wonder if there's permanent damage.
Oh, someone tried to smoke weed in there. It smelled like an aftershave I used to wear. Yeah.
The age range was random. Very random. It went from young folk to older folk. People I think that were probably in their late fifties or even older. I can't hate on that. If you're that old and you're still into it and getting yours then much respect. They were mingling just like the rest of us. Did I mention how friendly and inviting this atmosphere was? I did?
There were two sections by the way. The fetish dungeon was downstairs and the dance floor was upstairs. I've mostly spoken about the downstairs, and I will continue to! This place was nuts. Towards the end of the night, people (mostly dudes) were getting their foot fetish on. Dudes were sucking on womens toes like it was the cure for ebola virus or something. And the women didn't even get ticklish! They're pros at it I'm sure. These guys were really into it. They were kissing feet and licking and sucking. And yet the ladies didn't laugh. They looked almost disinterested!
I'm not into the whole feet thing but I had a co-worker at Best Buy that was. I forget his name. He would have been in heaven here. The guy was so obsessed that when the guys would come up to him and be like, "Check out that girl over there looking at the cameras". He'd usually respond with, "She's okay but she should've worn sandles or something." He wore an anklet. He quit!
It's not easy dancing with that mask on. Especially not with my horns. I had to be careful not stab anyone. Especially not all those bare chested women. Yikes! But actually I made out okay. I incorpoated it into my dancing. Kind of like a bull. I can't really describe it. So I won't! Just rest assured no boobs were harmed.
And that's it. The stream of concoiusness ends here. I hope you've enjoyed reading it.