CRASH / REBOOT

Sorry for the disappearing act, kids. I had to do a lot of meditating and soul searching after Saturday morning. In my last post I said I wasn't going to drink anymore. It's a strong statement to make. In fact I've never made that statement before. But when I woke up that morning in bed, with my clothes and jacket still on, wallet empty, PDA missing and I couldn't remember how I got there, I knew I needed to change. IMMEDIATLY. It was clear to me that my binge drinking had gotten out of hand. In my lifetime I probably haven't drank (quantity wise) that much. But I've done enough to know that if I continue along this route there will be dire consequences. The scary thing is I don't really need to drink a lot to get pissed. Angelina says that makes me a "cheap date!" (Thank you?) Well Angelina, that's because I've been working at it. Scary, right?

I found this on wikipedia:

"The primary effect of alcoholism is to encourage the sufferer to drink... in amounts that are damaging. The secondary damage caused by an inability to control one's drinking manifests in many ways."

I was totally doing that in spades. I was out of control. I cannot afford to not be in control.

My biggest worry isn't even waking up in someone else's apartment (always friends, never casual encounters), with no memory of the night before. That's never turned out badly, yet. No, I have very strong concerns about my health. I'm 25. I'm young. What I do now will echo into my later years. If I don't take care of myself now, I'll just be another one of those old people in a nursing home on suicide watch popping seven big pills a day from a one of those stupid pill organizers.

Why do I drink? Is it the buzz? I can get a better buzz by holding back on that nut until it's good and ready. (Solo? Multiplayer?) And yeah, I get pretty hype when I play video games. How can you not feel badass as the God of War? Or pulling off an incredible chain in Tetris Attack against a level 10 boss? And if I work myself to my breaking point at the gym I get a workout high that really lingers. That workout high can feel pretty incredible. The abdominal crunch machine at Bally's won't return my calls. D:

I really need to stress the fact that I try my best to live a healthy lifestyle. I cook. I drink plenty of water. I stay away (as much as I can), from fast food. I don't really like candy. I've never smoked or injected any drugs. (Or sniffed, yuck.) I don't even like taking aspirin when I'm sick or in pain. Or cold medication for that matter. I just up my intake of orange & carrot juice and eat more fruits until I'm healthy again. So why was alcohol any different. Because it's legal? That's the other thing, I didn't really do much underage drinking. There might have been one or two light occasions. And even then it wasn't a beer orgy. I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE THE TASTE OF BEER WHEN I STARTED, AND I STILL DON'T! So why? I don't understand how I got to this point.

I could blame my genetics. I could easily do that. God knows there are more alkies in my family then I care to admit. But I was never one to take the easy way out. I am responsible for my own actions. My will is stronger than that.This goes without saying but I'll say it anyway. I don't NEED to drink to have a good time. Neither does anyone. Drinking doesn't make me who I am. And I know that you guys know this. Just stating the obvious, I guess. I mean, the lot of you know my personality outside the bar. I'm already hyperactive, the drinking doesn't help!

So this is my decision: my liver is going on holiday. Little guy needs a break. I don't even know if I've caused any permanent damage. But why risk it? God knows there are people my age binging a lot more. But even otherwise HEALTHY individuals need liver transplants.So for now, I take things one day at a time. I think if I refrain from drinking for a year or so I'll be okay. Well, at least a year. I'd also like to test my liver at some point. This doesn't mean I'll return to knocking 'em back. What it means is I won't have a problem partaking in the occasional celebratory glass of champagne. Or wine. But nothing heavy. Frankly. I need to do more research on the health risks.

And that's my story. I feel like I got a second chance at life. I'm not going to waste it. If it's been TL;DR I toadally understand. I just needed to clear the air. I hope I didn't bum anyone out.

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