I love Ash Wednesday. It's the one day a year where you can be all IN YOUR FACE about the one true lord and savior Jesus Christ. Or to be precise, in MY face!

I haven't gone to Church in 8 years but I think if I go I'll have the most incredible excuse for being late. "I was getting a cross drawn on my forehead, boss. YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE LINE! I think this Christ guy is on to something."

I think I'll take the long way home just to look at all the foreheads. I'm sorry, it's just strange. It's so strange. And granted I was raised into this thing. But it's so strange. I don't even know if I still believe in all this.

But hey, who cares? It's not like they check I.D. before you get your ashes.

It's not like St. Peter's checking names at the door:

"Hey hey hey! Where you goin' buddy? Oh, you want to get ashes, do you?"

(Checks the guest list)

"No, you're not on here. Stand over here and maybe when there's less people I'll let you in. You know anybody? JESUS? Yeah, you're only the 17th person that claims to know him. I know Jesus. He comes here all the time. He has en entourage of eleven. I've never seen you in it. What? No, he and Judas had a falling out a long time ago. I mean, he can forgive but he can't forget."

No. St. Peter will not be at the Church. So even if you don't believe in this stuff I think it's safe to say you can sneak in and get ashes. They won't call the ash police on you.

What would be really cool is if people got ashes and took EXTREME photos of themselves like bungeeeeeee jumping and shit. You know, living in country cool. Do the dew!

I'm going to get ashes and then try to crush beer cans with my head. The power of Christ compels me!

How can you not giggle at people with ashes? I remember in Catholic school when we got our ashes people couldn't stop laughing to each other. We would compare and see who's cross was darker. I remember seeing the smoke coming out of the adjoining church.


"Did you rub off your ashes?"

"No ma'am."

"You know it's a sin, right?"


"Don't you yell at me! You want detention?"

"You expect me to answer yes to that? No, why would I want a detention. So boring!"

"I think you should go back and have your ashes redone."


In her defense, I talked back all the time. And she was a substitute. If your ashes fade out it's okay.

Though funny enough, one time I did try and go get another coat of ash. I wanted to make my mother laugh when she got home. So after school I went back to the Church and asked the priest to give me a "touch up". I swear to God that's how I phrased it!

"I'm not going to do that."

"Why not? It's your job!"

"Because you're doing it as a goof."

"No I'm not, I want to go to heaven. And it's fading out. I need you to redo it."


I had a rep as a wise-ass. That rep still follows me around.

I want all the really hot chicks on my friends list (all of you) to send me pictures with ashes on their foreheads. That would just really confuse my penis.

Even if you're agnostic or whatever, I already established they won't check.

Oh man, Ash Wednesday is so badass. I should wake up early to go to church and get ashes. FUCK! I can't wear my hat today or it will fade. For you lord, I will endure the cold.

What the hell is wrong with me?

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