"A 5-year-old girl who was feared drowned with her grandfather on a boating trip startled searchers Friday when she emerged from the woods -- naked, scratched and holding raspberries."
If that doesn't grab you then nothing will. Of course, to close the story they kinda ruin it (for me!) by quoting:
"Obviously, we're giving all the glory to God on this one," Brian Little said.
Oh come on! Does God always have to steal the thunder like that? Why can't it just be that this girl is just fucking intelligent with a side of crackerjack instincts? And she's had some form of survival training. She's smart, dammit! God had nothing to do with it. God was all like, "Nah, I don't need to do anything here." God was too busy helping your favorite team win the big game anyway. God's a big fan of sports, apparently.
Welp, I think little Miss Thing should get the recognition. Whatever.
EDIT: Also, if we're to go by this logic, then God smited the grandfather. What an asshole! I think the best part of this is that I have a small thread of faith left in me so I just called a deity I kind, sorta still believe in, an asshole.
But then when you think about it, my relationship with God is closer than others BECAUSE I can call him an asshole and not be afraid about. Just like I would call YOU an asshole. Of course, God could totally punk me by giving me the AIDs or something. Oh God, what a kidder.
I guess you could say God is more like my imaginary/invisible friend than some dude I worship. (WORSHIP OR ELSE!) Though we don't hang out on Sundays like we did back in the day. There are a lot of people I don't hang out with like I used to back in the day.
God doesn't judge me so long as I don't go on a killing spree. And I totally promised him I got it all out of my system the last time. He's cool like that. THEY WERE ALL SINNERS ANYWAY. YAAAAAH!