I hate lines. It's not the waiting. And it’s not the standing. What bothers me is the people. People that must stand as close to me as fucking possible. Or maybe even as close to fucking me as possible. What the hell? Hello, it's called a LINE. The whole POINT of a line is that there's no need to crowed! You will get your turn, stupid!
I don't get claustrophobic. A crowded subway or bus doesn't bother me. I am in my element during the peak hours of a marathon rave. I can make my way around Manhattan without getting swept by the undercurrent. But when I'm in a line, I need my space!
It's just the PRINCIPLE of it! I don't believe in fate, but that's what a line is. It's fate. The moment you step in a line, it triggers a countdown. Your turn will come. Standing closer to ME will not make your turn come any sooner.
I like to passively aggressively get my point across by giving the person in front of me as much space as I wish people would give me. When I glance over to the asshole behind me, they usually give me this look of, "Why aren't you moving closer? LOOK AT ALL THAT SPACE IN FRONT OF YOU!" I swear to Christ, I’ve seen their faces get panic stricken
I also like to move inch by inch into that area. You know what happens? Asshole behind me does the same. I move an inch, so do they. I like to pause for like 15 or more seconds before doing it again. It's like we're in an improv group pretending to be stuck in traffic or something. Eventually they realize what I'm doing and stop following. They get embarrassed! If you don't believe me, do it yourself. Go to the bank tomorrow and try it. You'll probably get addicted to doing this.
Funny thing is, nobody ever says anything to me. I welcome their commentary! I would savor the moment. Really I would! I have a rant locked and loaded for anyone that tries it. You're reading it.
My bank is the worst with this. It's almost never crowded in there. Very little foot traffic. Yet whenever I see people in line they're all bunched up in the front of the maze. This maze can comfortably support a good dozen old ladies in walkers and yet what I usually see is everybody butt-to-gut in the front.
Maybe I'm too hard on people, it just annoys me. Perhaps, if we called it a queue, instead of a line, people would get the idea. Then, ideally, people would stop invading my personal space.
New York photographer, party mammal, and Internet troll for hire. Alain-Christian is an OG who’s been blogging for over 20 years dating back to the early days of AOL. He loves sharing his offbeat opinions on pop culture, bestowing his tech knowledge, and making arts.