But don't tell these people I told you that. You can cut the pretentiousness with a k-nife! Seriously, ANYONE who's ever been late to work knows that hopping around at breakneck speeds while avoiding shit is what needs to be done. You ever seen Wall Street in the morning? Rush Hour? You have people doing handplants, and cartwheels and jumping over cabs and stomping Goombas. It's like everyone took a Super Mushroom for breakfast. (That's not true of course because who eats breakfast anymore? You SHOULD though. EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!)
It doesn't always work out so smoothly, though. I can't recall a single month where I didn't gut check myself on the turnstyle. See, what usually happens is I have to transfer from Bus to subway. I'm that asshole that as soon as the bus gets to the stop I'm somehow right there with my face pressed against the door. No, I don't use the door release strips because that would require more time. I force the door open just enough so I can get through and race down the stairs. I walk to the right, naturally. If you're heading in my direction you'll probably get bowled over. If I'm four steps away from the ground I jump. The tricky part is when I have to slide my metrocard through the turnstile.
See, what's SUPPOSED to happen is I'm coordinated enough to stretch my arm ahead of me, slide it, get '1 XFER OK' and pass through without breaking my stride. Instead this morning I flipped balls-over tits because apparently I needed to re-swipe. The people behind me (That I cut through moments earlier) now catching up are LOVING THIS. Every month, man. I SHOULD leave my house earlier but where’s the fun in that?
I should film it. You need to see me running through people and squirreling my way through the SEA OF HUMANITY in first person view. It would be like that Back to the Future ride.
New York photographer, party mammal, and Internet troll for hire. Alain-Christian is an OG who’s been blogging for over 20 years dating back to the early days of AOL. He loves sharing his offbeat opinions on pop culture, bestowing his tech knowledge, and making arts.