You get down on one knee (because they're short) and tell them all about the invisible cars.
"Invisible cars?" They'll question.
What you tell them is that rich people drive invisible cars. They can afford to get the invisible paint job, just like Wonder Woman. They know who Wonder Woman is because they watch Boomerang 24/7. So yeah, invisible fucking cars. Tell them that and they'll never cross again on a red signal.
If they ask you why YOU cross on a “DON'T WALK” signal, tell them that adults get special implants in their eyes that allow them to see invisible things. Like monsters under the bed. Tell them this is also why their mommy thinks she's fat when she totally looks fine. Her fat is INVISIBLE! With enough effort you can scare children into not crossing the street. Who wants to get blindsided by an invisible car?
If I ever become a father I'll be a champion of child rearing.
New York photographer, party mammal, and Internet troll for hire. Alain-Christian is an OG who’s been blogging for over 20 years dating back to the early days of AOL. He loves sharing his offbeat opinions on pop culture, bestowing his tech knowledge, and making arts.