French Toast Pop-tarts Are the Worst

And I thought the cherry Pop-tarts were bad. (And they are. Cherry is so bleh.) But these French Toast Pop-Tarts are THE worst. I've been bringing Pop-tarts to work to cut down on expenses. It used to be worse when I worked at Best Buy. Half my check was spent on food.

Banner Art: @PopTartsBox on Instagram.

So either I eat a 'Tart or buy a pastrami, egg & cheese hero for two dollars and change. That money adds up! Gotta be thrifty about these things. In fact for lunch I had two hamburgers I grilled last night on the Foreman. I make 'em really good. Instead of buns I use pumpernickel bread. I see you making that face. You don't know how good it is until you try it. You'll never go back to buns.

Yecch, French Toast Pop-tarts. I like their commercials but the product is disgusting. I know all about disgusting food. It's like they filled the 'Tart with cement mix instead of whatever french toast is made out of. And while it SMELLS like the genuine article, you'll need to try better than that to fool my tongue.

Forget that. WHY ARE GOLDEN GRAHAMS STILL AROUND? You want to talk about disgusting? That stuff is offal. I remember biting into a spoonful for first time and then getting very angry at the bowl. I wanted to punch that cereal square in the face but I don't think I have to tell you how that would have made things worse.

I can't believe they market that poison to kids. Instead of asking, "How do they cram all that graham," you should be asking, "How do they get away with this scam?" It really is a tragedy that Golden Grahams takes prime real-estate in the cereal aisle away from Franken Berry. Franken Berry (if you even HAVE it at your super market) is always bookended on the lowest shelf. Why, General Mills? Don't put Franken Berry on the bench, he's your starting line-up!

And isn't it a conflict of interest for them to make both Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Golden Grahams? It's not even a contest, one's great and the other sucks donkey dicks. WE DON'T NEED BOTH.

Maybe Golden Grahams are the rejected mutant offspring of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Chex. Don't much care for Chex but once you add your own sugar they're tolerable. Even Kix is better than Chex. But I used to resent my mother for always buying Kix.

She used to always get them on sale, HUGE fucking box. I knew cereal was expensive so I ate it anyway, no complaints. By the time I got through that box it was time for another sale. Kix was my own little prison. "Just when I thought I was out..." The least they could do is give me something to read on the backs of those HUGE FUCKING BOXES.

Let's settle something right now: KIX IS NOT AS GOOD FOR CHILDREN AS THOSE COMMERCIALS WILL LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE. Once you turn your backs, Mom & Dad, they're throwing in heaps of sugar. Probably overcompensating with the sugar like I used to. I would put sugar AND Ovaltine in there. Get the milk a nice brown color. My mother knew this and she STILL continued to buy me Kix. DO THE MATH, WOMAN!

Wheaties are also terrible. They're not as bad as Golden Grahams but they still suck. If it wasn't for shining examples of great sportsmanship like Dennis Rodman telling you it was good you would never know. Dennis told me to eat them (or else) so I obeyed. But I didn't enjoy it. It was my own fault, though. This was the point where I began asking my mother what cereals to buy. See, instead of admitting I didn't like the cereal, I asked her to buy it a few more times and then casually asked her for something different. Be cool about it. Play it off. Can't let her know the cereal I ASKED FOR was a bad idea. I CAN’T.

You know, I was hoping to at least up my game on the courts but that never panned out. I always get picked first in a pickup game but then the CAPTAIN usually regrets his decision when he sees how much better that sickly kid with the enormous valise strapped to his back (which he refuses to take off, EVER) and thick glasses has more game than I do. I can't compete against that. That same kid always beats me in Street Fighter.

Right. Breakfast cereal is something I can talk about FOREVER. And I was limiting myself to General Mills! But you best keep your distance from them French Toast Pop-Tarts. Stick with the s'mores. Ol' reliable s'mores.

What DOESN'T come in a s'mores flavor these days? You know what, nevermind. Let's not get into that.