So here we go. Here's a story I should keep to myself but for whatever reason I'm sharing it. Probably because it's embarrassing and will get me back for whatever I did to myself? What? ... :D
One morning I'm brushing my teeth and notice a fucking nose hair sticking out of my nostril. It wasn't protruding far but it was FAR ENOUGH! I plucked that bad boy out and went about my day. NOT EVEN A MONTH LATER THAT HAIR CAME BACK. (SAME NOSTRIL!) And he brought friends. And then HE SPOKE!
"Hey mang, joo think joo can get ri' of us so easily, homes?" (I don't know why he's speaking like that.)
"Why are you talking like that?"
"I thought the accent made me sound touch."
"It's annoying is what it is. And probably racist! And I think you misspelled 'tough.'"
"ANYWAY. Listen up, see? you can't get rid of us so easily. We like it out here. The air is fresh and there's no BOO(like moo)OO(the way a cow would say it)OOGERS on the outside. Am I right boys?"
The other hairs chime in: "YEAH!"
"I can't believe I'm talking to my nose hair."
"Yeah? Well get used to it. We call the shots from now on."
"I REFUSE! THIS IS NOT THE END OF THIS!"
The nose hairs all laughed. I ran into my room and cried, which was stupid because:
I hadn't finished brushing my teeth.
How can I run away from my own nose hairs?
I didn't like where this was going. At night when the hairs were asleep I hatched a plan. I was going to get a NOSE HAIR TRIMMER! This was back when I was still working at Best Buy. I decided to buy it there with my discount. But I didn't want people to know I was buying it for myself. How embarrassing! I checked the calendar to see when Father's day was. It was two weeks away!
Come Father's Day I made it a big joke how I was getting the trimmer for my Pop. Everyone thought it was funny/cruel/mean. NO ONE SUSPECTED I BOUGHT IT FOR MYSELF. Genius! Success! I SPRINTED back to my fucking apartment as if I had just purchased a really disgusting porno. Sprinted!
"Don’t be a hero, Alain-Christian. Take it easy now. We're friends, right?"
"NO! THIS ENDS NOW! HAHAHAHA!"
"You can't do this! We broke out of the inside. We deserve to be out here. We earned it! I don't want to go back! Et tu"-
"DON'T EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE!"
NEEEEURRRRR! NEEEUREEEEURRRR! The sound of nose hair being trimmed. They screamed like crustaceans getting boiled alive. There was blood EVERYWHERE. I didn't know hair could bleed? I totally took care of that shit. I was the man. I was Super Duper Fly.
So, long story short, I bought the clippers for myself and lied about it in a completely clever way. I haven't seen the nose hairs since.
New York photographer, party mammal, and Internet troll for hire. Alain-Christian is an OG who’s been blogging for over 20 years dating back to the early days of AOL. He loves sharing his offbeat opinions on pop culture, bestowing his tech knowledge, and making arts.