DO NOT try the Orbit Mint Mojito gum. This is some rank shit! I loves to try new chewing gums. (Gum or gums? Well, dentists say gums. But you have TWO gums so that makes sense. I don't think that should be pluralized. I'm not going to pluralize the next one.) I do it constantly. If it's new I buy it. Trying the new Orbit Mint Mojito was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't even try to finish the rest. I burned it with fire then, just to be sure, nuked it from orbit.
It's strange because at first when you try the gum it tastes a little like lemon zinger tea. (You've had lemon zinger tea, right? No? You're dead to me.) But then something happens and the flavoUr changes and it's like a skunk molested your mouth while you were sleeping. So that would be a mixture of skunk stink multiplied by whatever your mouth tastes like in the morning. What does your mouth taste like in the morning? (What does it taste like now?)
I offered the gum to my supervisor. He spat it out immediately and told me it tastes like roach spray. Then he went back to typing me up a recommendation letter like I had asked. Looking back on this I probably should have asked a few follow-up questions. I mean, how does he know what roach spray tastes like?
My mom's coworker swears by this Mojito shit. But she also owns a dog so I question her judgment. I mean, she has to walk around and cleanup it's doo doo. Every day! And he gets fed and everything. Who has the better end (ha ha, pun) of that deal? My mom wants a dog now because of this lady. I'm not looking forward to pet hairs on all my clothes again. I used to have a cat. He died. He was so fat and lazy. Guy just sat around the house all day. He did nothing to better society. I miss him. But not his breath or his cat hairs or his poop. He's in pussy heaven now. God doesn't allow animals in people heaven. I’ve been told God is speciesist.
We should get an ionic breeze or whatever they advertise that prevents PET DANDER (dander, dander, dander, dander, dander, dander, dander) from circulating in the air.
Right, Orbit Mint Mojito. When Orbit first came out I was a huge fan. But then Stride came out and I dropped Orbit like a one ton ACME BRAND anvil. I really like Stride. I can't put into words what Stride means to me. If Stride gum were a woman, I would have settled down a long time ago. The gum really lasts as long as advertised. And frankly, these days I just get tired of chewing it. I get tired of chewing it and dispose of the gum but there's still flavoUr left in there. I don't do that nasty shit where I put the gum on my nose or something to conserve it. Those people are gross.
I can talk forever about gum so I’ll wrap this up with a gum tip! If your breath is stank, go find your ass a pack of Dentyne Ice Arctic Chill. THAT shit will DESTROY the bad breath. AND your sinuses! That is, unless you have gingivitis. If you have gingivitis you need to see a dentist NOW. NOTHING ELSE will help your situation. Not even prayer. And Jesus screens his prayers. Prayers like that goes in the same prayer pile with, "Dear Jesus, don't let the other team win." People with gingivitis have an AURA of stink. Frankly, I rather not talk about it because I'm this close to puking all over my home row. Gingivitis smells kind of like puke now that I think about it..
So please, unless you WANT to be angry with yourself, avoid the Orbit Mint Mojito flavoUred gum. I don't even know what a Mojito is, but just the thought of one now is giving me erectile dysfunction.
New York photographer, party mammal, and Internet troll for hire. Alain-Christian is an OG who’s been blogging for over 20 years dating back to the early days of AOL. He loves sharing his offbeat opinions on pop culture, bestowing his tech knowledge, and making arts.